Letters to Lucy

Parts of letters I'll share later with Lucy, just to give you a glimpse of the journey...

Midnight, august 1st  I’m adopting a baby from Ethiopia.  It seems unreal—I’m almost afraid to type it out or say it out loud.  Can it be?  Can God be blessing me with what I want most—a baby who needs a home?
It’s a funny time…  I know now why expecting parents try to hold off telling people as long as possible.  I can’t hardly imagine that it will happen!  But then again, I’ve been called to adopt for some time, and I’m feeling led to do it now.  Now, Lord?  Single?  On a teacher’s salary?  I get worried.  
But I eventually come around to this.  I don’t know her yet.  She may not even be born yet, but she may be alive already.  And she’s precious.  She’s as precious to God as I’ve been blessed to know I am to my parents.  And she has no one “with skin on” to show her that.  To delight in her, to laugh with her, to comfort her, to pray for her, to cuddle her, to tuck her in, to feed her and take care of her.  To blow raspberries on her belly, to stroke her hair, to inhale her baby scent, to kiss her tiny feet.
I can be that mother for her.  And I want to so, I ache to!—seems like a perfect fit.
Lord, thank you that we’re all precious to you, that you made each of us special and different.  Thank you that you love us fully—nothing we do could make you love us more or less.  Lord, show me how to love others.  Help me love her as you would.  Guide me clearly, help me trust you.  God, bless her and her mama and her family.  Keep her safe and healthy.  You said you put the lonely in families—Oh God, put us together just according to your plan.  And soon, please :).  I can’t wait to hold her.

August 5, 2010  I feel like with God’s help, I can do anything.  You know, it was when I prayed, with a kind of honest desperation, “God, I can’t do this alone.” that I felt the Psalm 36 click about you, Lucy.  I had tried to work through the money and the single parenting issues to see what I  could do on my own.  I thought that I could do it, barely.  And I realized that I’m just not strong enough—God has to help me through.  When I said it out loud, I knew that this was the right step.  He’s already providing!

September 19, 2010  Well, little girl, so many people are excited about you already!  I stormed through your paperwork—possibly a world record—and am just waiting for you, praying for you, thinking about you all the time.  How can I love you so much already?  It’s almost scary to think how much I’ll love you when I finally get to hold you!  I might just squeeze you to smithereens!!  I’ll try not to.
I wonder what you’ll be like. 
I think about you ridiculously often every day.
I pray for you to be safe and healthy and loved.
I pray for your family, too, for wisdom and peace.
I really, really want to snuggle you right up next to me.
I already worry that I can’t bear to go back to work after meeting you because I’ll just want to be with you all the time.
I’m so thankful for you—I feel so blessed.
I love you.  Already.  So much.  And I know it’s just the beginning!

October 21, 2010  I bought you a book today.  I buy you lots of books!  We may not be able to afford luxuries like cable, nice fabric softener, or cheese, but we’ll read by golly!  I can’t wait to see your face!

November 2, 2010  I found out last week that I could see your sweet face soon.  SOON!  I’m next up to get matched with a little girl.  And I’ve been praying for you, that God will put us together so that it’s just the right US to make our family.  You’re probably coming earlier than I’d thought.  I was worried about that at first, for about an hour or two.  What if I can’t get time off?  What if I can’t afford you quite yet? 
Some wonderful people helped me remember that God is in charge of all this, and that He will put us together at just the right time and help us make it through financially and in every way. 
After that initial surprise, I thought, WOW, I could meet you, and go get you SOON!  And, I’m telling you baby, I’m SO EXCITED!  I’ve checked my phone multiple times an hour.  I went to sleep that night thinking about you and praying for you (I do that a lot).  And I woke up from sweet baby dreams thinking sweet baby thoughts.  Ahh.  This week has seemed so looooong.  Waiting to meet you.  What if it’s a month?  Can I stand it?  Okay, baby, you’re worth it.  I can stand it.  I just pray that you’re safe and loved and healthy.
I love you (already, so much).
Nov 11, 2010  Oh Lucy.  I wake up every day thinking that this is the day!  I’m going to bed tonight thinking that tomorrow is the day.  I hope I hope (and I pray too!).  I love you (already, so much)!

December 1, 2010   Oh Lucy.  I’m  looking right at you as I type.  You’re here!  Well, okay, your picture is here.  I think you’re beautiful.  I love your sweet little mouth, and your gorgeous eyes.  I love that they seem alert and bright.  I love your little hands and I want to kiss your sweet cheeks.  Your hair is cute and I think it’s going to be really curly and lovely.  I just stare at you and stare at you. 
It’s only been a few days, but I feel like your little face has been in my heart forever.  I’ll never go back to what my life was like before I saw you.  You’ll be a part of my life, of me, forever. 
I’m SO thankful for you.  I just get all teary thinking about how God has blessed me to entrust such a treasure to me, to let me be your family and to let you be mine, and to love you.  Ooohh, I feel so thankful!
I knew when I saw your face that you were Lucy, who I’ve longed for, and dreamed of, and prayed for.  Lucy, who I’ve imagined, and hoped for, and talked to.  Lucy, who I’ve cried about and squealed about.  Lucy, who I drove everyone to despair waiting for (impatiently).  You’re my Lucy.  I love you (already, so much!).
PS—I can’t wait to hold you!
December 5, 2010  Oh Lucy!  I stared at you and stared at you today. I was out and bought you a little mouse.  And a bunny and a frog and what I’m pretty sure is a donkey in a dress coat.  I’m calling it part of your Christmas.  I want you here!  That would make things great! 
I’m not just twiddling my thumbs waiting for you.  I’m making things ready for your room.  It’s gonna be cute.  I’m finishing a rank 1 (in record time—I want it done before you get here!).  I’m reading books about parenting.  And I’m gazing at you. 
I have pictures of you everywhere!  I have 3 on my desk at work, two by my bed, two on the mantle, and two which just kind of float around with me.  As I’m sitting here writing I have you staring at me from the coffee table.  When I go into the dining room, I bring you along.  When I’m in the kitchen I just set you on the counter.  I want you close, Lucy.  Much  MUCH closer than Ethiopia.
I also carry around pictures of you in my purse.  You know.  In case someone needs to see you.  And surprisingly enough, they often do need to see you.  Hmm :).
You are precious.  I’m so thankful for you.  I love you!  (Already, so much!)

December 21, 2010  Lucy Hope, I got new pictures of you today!  I couldn’t wait to see them.  I’ve been checking my email desperately for weeks, hoping for another glimpse of you.  Oh Lucy, I’m just totally in love with you.  You are precious!  I loved the pictures I got of you.  One is of you in a Santa hat, and a few have bows.  But Lucy, you’re not smiling.  Ooohh, I just cried and cried on Mumsy.  I told her that you needed me and I needed you---right now!  I want to just go get you.  If they’d give you to me, I’d hop on a plane this instant and fly over to meet you wearing my snowflake pajamas and socks.  My word, I want to get my hands on you and love you and kiss your sweet cheeks and cuddle you 'till your just plain old tired of me.
 I love you! So much!  Already!
December 29, 2am.  Lucy Hope!  It’s 2 am and I’m just thinking about you.  I’ve been daydreaming about getting to meet you and making little cutsy things for your room.  
Lucy, I’m really going to try to be a good mamma.  I’m afraid that we won’t have a lot of money.  And there’s the whole issue of you not having a daddy.  I’m praying about both of these matters, little one, and I’m sure that God will provide what we need.  I wish I didn’t have to go to work—I already don’t want to leave you and I haven’t even “met” you yet.  But I love you, Lucy, already, so much.  You know it’s true. 
February 1, 2011  Lucy, Lucy, Lucy.  I’m waiting for you!  I’ve been reading up.  Trying to get ready.  I think I’m already ready for you to talk.  So you can say, “Hi mama, I’m ready to go with you now.”  And I’ll say,” What a great idea, Lucy.  Let’s hit it.”  If you can’t tell, I’m a little delirious over the prospect of meeting you.  Oh Lucy, I can’t wait!
I need you here with me, little one.  I am SO thankful that you are where my adventures with God have led me.  I followed Him all around this world, and he’s blessed me with you.  I’ve wanted a daughter (especially one from Africa) for a looooonnng time.  I thought it would just be a dream of mine, but you’re real, and you’re getting closer and closer to being here with me, my buddy, my light, quite literally my dream come true!
Lucy, you’re teaching me so much about God.  I love you (so much, already, you know).  I’m shocked that I can possibly love you this much before I’ve actually held you.  But I do, Lucy.  I have been reading about how God loves us in Ephesians.  It says he settled on us as the focus of his love long looong ago.   He chose us, chose to adopt us through Christ.  And he took great pleasure in planning it.  Those words made my brain doing a little schwing schwang:  Lucy, as much as I love you and as much joy as thinking about you and planning your adoption has given me, God loves us more and enjoys adopting us more.  My brain was already stretched to understand how I love you (so much, already) and to go beyond that is, well, just plain un- imanigable.  Unimaginably good.  How wise and clever of God to use you to help me know how very much He loves me (loves all of us).  He’s good, Lucy, so good.

February 18, 2011    O Lucy! We are so blessed.  (Yes, little bit, we’re a we in my mind already.  Lucy and Mama conquer the world!)  I’ve had to cry three times in two days.  People love us!  They love me and they love you (already, so much Lucy!)  They're giving us gifts, and prayer, and love, and tears.  I'm so thankful!
Lucy, I’m trying to be so grown up here, being your MOTHER and all, but I’m just gaga.  I can’t focus, I can’t sleep, I ramble and get off track and cry and laugh hysterically.  I’m SO crazily happy to be coming to see you so soon.  One week from today I leave.  A week from now I’ll be on the plane with Mumsy somewhere over the Atlantic, getting closer inch by inch and mile by mile to…
If I wasn’t leaving soon, I think I’d hop in a boat and paddle through the waves, and then chop my way through the dense central African jungle, and then trudge through Ethiopia’s desert and then climb up the beautiful mountains around Addis Ababa, then crawl through the busy city until I found …
And then….
I’ll see you.  I’ll know you from the second I lay eyes on you because I’ve stared and stared at your sweet face.  I’d know those beautiful lips and precious eyes and fabulous hair from a mile away!  I’ll see you, and walk on over, and one of your nice nannies will hand you to me.  I’ll just touch your skin, and then scoop you up.  Oh my, how I’ll squeeze you.   I’ll kiss your precious little cheek and stroke your pretty curly hair.  I hope it won’t embarrass you, but I’m fairly certain I’ll cry.  I’ll just be so happy and happy and then a little more happy that we’re together at last.  I might not put you down for days. (I hope you don’t get too tired of me!)
I can hardly bear to wait!  I want to hold you Lucy, and love on you!  I love you so.  So much, already.